I still miss her. There was so much potential, so much excitement. She was “wicked smart,” only average looking, but of course I didn’t notice at the time. Instead I reveled in her long wavy hair and her Renoir curves.
But I have to ask what happened. Can I face the hard truths? Do I blame myself? She said I wasn’t smart enough. That was her reason. Should I feel inadequate or should I look deeper? So often the reasons someone gives in a relationship for why they are unhappy are far from the heart of the problem, those easy excuses that float effortlessly on the surface like a single leaf floating on a pool, laughably insignificant in relation to the weight of the water. Those little irksome complaints that can just as easily blow away or accumulate until you’re left with nothing but a stinking cesspool. The little things that make up who someone is, every little quirk, gesture and habit can annoy or delight us. It all depends on your perception and can go either way depending on whether your relationship is at the beginning or the end. Do you adore the object of our affection? Does their light shine bright with your desire, affection or love? Or, days, months or years later has that desire and affection turned into a spiral of anger, resentment, reproach, frustration and disappointment.
It’s very difficult to delve into those deeper meanings, especially after the fact. But if you want to grow as a person then introspection may be your only path. It has been my experience however that some people will do almost anything other than look into themselves. They seem to fear their inner self more than death itself. This I believe is part of the human condition.
But in my case, with miss Renoir curves, maybe she simply found me wanting. I lacked sufficient mental horsepower, a relative lightweight. If that was simply the reason is there something I can nonetheless learn from the experience? I suppose the best thing we can take away from a failed relationship is a better understanding of who is right for us. To further fine tune our knowledge of who we are and what kind of person will meet our needs enabling our relationships to function in the best possible way.
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